Drew & Eliot beyond Ratnigiri-dome

after chai with the Alsacian contigent, we bid farewell with plans to meet in Goa in three days.  that means some heavy biking for me and eliot, so we stock up on quinoa, lentils and masala sauce from the local market. we purchase a bar of tide to wash clothing with that night. seriously: we stink.

we walked over to a restuarant for more tea and chai. there, a cow arrives on the doorstep and moos. a man from the kitchen feeds it some bread and pats it's "third eye", before the cow proceeds to urinate all over the entrance to the restuarant not 15 feet from us. we exchange glances. wether this is a blessing or a curse depends entirely on which side of the pacific you come from.  recall that cows are revered and furthermore, hinduism generally believes that the fienst souls get reincarnated as cows, to spend their lives wandering the country and eating what is given to them. we see a cow pissing in a resturaunt. this guy sees a holy man or a wise woman who has chosen to grace this place with his presence. perspective, folks. gotta have it.

back in the room, i try to true my awfully untrued bike wheel only to mess it up even more. a few minutes of cursing loudly subsides when we journey to the local bike walla to have the thing professionall fixed. he trues the wheel with much bemoaning and dirisive laughter. i don't speak hindi, but i'm pretty sure when we walked up and handed him the wheel he muttured something like "blankety-blank gringos." (a note: walla here means "guy or person" as in chai walla, bike walla, plumbing walla, computer walla, etc. it has also become a term me and eliot use for any thing jury-rigged into working like, say, our poorly strapped bags on our bikes. eg: "wow, using duct tape to seal a wound? way to walla that, dude.") running late on our departure, we head to the cyber cafe and send some e-mail out to friends and family.

ratnigiri is not a pretty town.  it's big, smells awful and has nothing to offer in tourism, even the guide book says so. what it doesn't mention though that you should know, is that it is the best place on the Kohkin coast to resupply. food, soap, clothing, shoes - there are shops of all kinds here and the rates are very reasonable. internet is plentiful and hotels and services are very cheap. there are fruit markets (for the brave) and beer.  find a cheap room, refuel and then get back on the road. the aluminum siding walls hastily erected around blown-up concrete buildings, trashfires and rats brazingly feasting in the road makes this place seem more like a set piece from Mad Max that a sleepy Indian village. I spent a week in Ratnigiri one night, if you know what i mean.

when we finally did get on the road, we discovered that we had to take the inland highway (#17) and couldn't stay on the coast without battling the headache of negotiating ferries and days spent going to and from the national highway anyway. we were a little bummed, and not looking forward to what we thought we be at least three days of climbing the Ghats. but when we started the ride, we found that the day of rest and good eating had paid off. plus, the roads were exceptionally maintained, traffic was not too badand there were many watering holes along the way.

we practically flew up and down hills all day on our way south.  we would be climbing for some ten or fiften minutes straing, only to crest a hill and coast for five minutes or so at 30+ mph. brilliant riding through gorgeous mountains (if severly technical - we moved up and down the gears all day).  we even stopped for water at the office of a land developer who gave us tea and showed us around his property.  he gave us advice on the best time to buy alphonse mangoes (see our food week article for more on that) and invited us to coem back and see him anytime - particularly in may when the mangoes would be best.

we rode another hour and made camp on soe unused land in a village. as ever, the locals were very interested in who we were, what we were doing, etc. after a while, the dispersed and we settled into sleep.

Dubai and the magical waterslides and malls and sheesha and stuff

Eliot here: been scarce on my entries lately as my means of entry ain't been cooperatin', so here's a whole truckload of thoughts and such:

Dubai is amazing and huge and crazy and wild, etc. This you know.

What you don't know:

We're staying with my parents, who currently live in Dubai. Living with the folks has been really great (thanks again, M&D) - Drew and I get up pretty early here, like around 5:30-6am (when you listen out the window to hear the mosques pouring out the first call to prayer of the day), make tea and figure out what the day is going to be like. Been truly nice to have a peaceful, quiet, homey place to get over jet lag and adjust to opposite-world time zone. I hit the bed every night and immediately sack-the-funk-out. I'll often wake up a few times during the night to hear the screeching of tires on a Range Rover or Prado, or sometimes I'll wake from a "vivid" dream to look out at the city sleeping and hear just the buzzing of electric lamps and insects. Then when the mist dissipates and the cars start moving and the Indian guys bicycle by and the city comes alive, so then do you. It's pretty great, actually: I look forward to sleeping and waking up as a means of finding peace amid the fracas that the day supplies.

The Fracas: we've been visiting the various amazing sights that the city has to offer, from the tallest building in the world to simpler historical bits like the Dubai museum. Amid the forceful slap-in-the-face of amazement and wonder the city has to offer, I've been finding that simple things tend to stick with me just as much, if not more so, than the greater things. EXAMPLE: We popped over to the neighborhood sheesha (hookah) joint the other night and sat out on the sidewalk, had mint tea and puffed like a caterpillar. We people-watched as many Emirati youths piled in via their Range Rovers and grouped around us at tables to smoke sheesha and hang out. One large group of kids looked about 19 or so, and though they were all speaking Arabic, I could tell I had had that same conversation with my friends when I was 19, too. It was funny and true: despite the tall buildings, enormous malls, sprawling civilization and 190 different nationalities, I still felt an immediate sense of similarity and camaraderie with the offspring of this ancient culture. Pretty cool - thanks, travel!

Jet lag sucks. I sleep at weird times of the day, feel like a total sloth and then get bursts of energy out of nowhere. But you know what helps jet lag? WATER SLIDES!!! Wild Wadi, i.e. Arabian Schlitterbahn, was a total kick today. Good for the body and the soul. We're getting this overdose of luxury and endless personal service right as we're about to hop 3 hours over and find ourselves sleeping in a tent on the side of the road in India. Whiplash, but it has been a pleasure, and will no doubt crank the juice on our perspective-o-meter for this trip. For now, we're enjoying it. It's an interesting time to be alive, and Dubai is an interesting place to be alive.

We got tomorrow left here, then Thursday we ship out to Mumbai for the start to India. I'm truly excited to get started and get acclimated - I remarked to Drew today that I am already dreading the return at the end of the trip, as my travel "drug" will be no more. Interesting.

Tomorrow, we'll pop inland to the glorious desert and visit Al Ain and the highest peak in the Emirates, Jebel Hafeet. The view is supposed to be gorgeous and the drive dramatic. And if all else fails, we can hang out with some camels. They're known to wander around near the highways out in the open sections of the emirates. My dad's office used to have a heard that hung around, but the recent construction activity has booted them off to more remote pastures. Bummer.

I could like here, I think - for a year, maybe. It's like Las Vegas, and in such can be truly tiring and exhaustive. But, not to be descounted, the place is doing it's darndest to set a name for itself, and for cultural overload and exposure, one can't really find a better value. But what do I know? It could all be a mirage, sprouted up a few years ago and gone as quickly. Whatever the case, it's pretty cool to be here now. Yep.

Dinner with the Sharans

We drove over to the house of a guy who works with eliot's dad. Vikram Sharan and his wife Shwetka invited us over for some amazing food and advice about travel to their home country. Besides having a great apartment overlooking the water, an adorable (and talkative) daughter, and a bunch of good advice, Vikrams wife is an amazing cook. We had two kinds of vegetarian dishes, a yogurt, rice, homemade bread,carrot dessert and curried chicken.

Before lunch, gathered around a small table in the living room, Vikram ran us through about a hundred little towns and cities we have to see. From simple straight forward advice like "the view of the north is that it's unsafe. It's really very safe. Even for westerners" to some lofty claims like "Fateh Pursikri is much better than the Taj." and in the contiuing tradition of people everywhere in the world loving Texans, Vikram smiled when he learned that's where I'm from and, with some prodding, proclaimed "Bihar (his birthplace) is the Texas of India!!" He made the motion of pulling out six shooters. The legend of Texas continues! All hail the mighty state!

Really, we talked about too much to sum up here
but I wrote down as much as I could and I'm sure we'll be referencing it throughout the trip. It sounds like we'll get to experience the festival of colors (Holi) when we first arrive, got some Great Advice about traveling and staying in Nepal, and perhaps best of all, Vikrams brother is a colonel in the army who we're assured will be happy to show us to the Golden Temple!

What about Bob?

I (eliot) had the great pleasure to speak with an expert on India a couple days ago, Bob Patel. Bob and his wife Kusum have lived on Bastrop, TX for some time after moving from India to the US years ago. They owned a series of hotels in Bastrop over the years, and my grandparents Cecil and Chrysta Moore participate in the Moore family reunion in Bastrop every year. Long story short, my Grandfolks and the Patels got in touch when the need for a hotel for the reunion arose. Years later, the Patels host members of our family every year in their hotels.

SO: At the behest of my Grandmother (and with some help), I rang up Mr. Patel and we met up. Among other things, we discussed trip logistics, places to see and stay, and most importantly, the various types of mangoes to eat and how to eat them. India has WAY more mangoes than America, something close to 190 different varieties. Some mangoes have more fiber inside of them, and instead of peeling and pitting them, you can just make an incision along the top of the mango and squeeze the juicy goodness out the top. Holy moly roly poly, I am ready.

Mr. Patel is from the north western state of Gujarat. He suggested that if we go anywhere near the Pakistani border, I should shave my bodacious facial hair, as I may be mistaken for a Muslim and have to deal with, well, whatever may happen. I think I would have trouble relating my religious affiliation with the 24 Hour Church of Elvis to any curious Indians.

The talk was great - I came away with a batch of notes and knowledge and Mr. Patel came away knowing he helped a couple of clueless schmucks be less so. Thanks very much, Mr. Patel, and my Grandfolks look forward to seeing you and Kusum come the Moore family reunion!

In other news - I am getting over a totally mild cold. Actually hoping it was going to happen now and not right before we left for DubaIndia.

Also: 8 DAYS!!! AAAACCCKKkkkkk..coughcoughcough, huffkkugh.....Woo! 8 Days!

spicy safari, episode 4

EPISODE 4 - Knife-Faced Cats

OR

Another way to die in India

WARNING - LOTS OF AWESOME TIGER VIDEOS! 

And so we come to the national animal of India - the Bengal Royal Tiger. The bengal is probably the tiger you've seen if you've been to the zoo - not as big as the siberian tiger, but the most numerous. and even though there's only about 2100 of the guys in the world, somewhere between 1300-1500 live in India.  Tigers are amazingly powerful, have enormous claws and eat up to 60lbs of meat in a single meal. Also they are purely carnivorous! We're Doomed! AGAIN! 

no but seriously, tigers are fiercely territorial and stay spread out.  like every other animal on this list, rapid encroachment has forced tigers out of their typically habitat meaning tigers and humans sometimes bump shoulders.  even though they'd much prefer to be left alone,  they don't like eating humans (they'd much rather eat their cattle - and even that it's anywhere near their top choice).  when pressed and hungry, tigers have been known to eat old, sick and wounded humans (check, check and check - we should be fine). such a tiger is called a MANEATER and will continue to eat humans. tigers have also been known to eat wolves, jackals (not, unfortunately "jackyls"), bears (<-- great music on that one) and even crocodiles as food and even though it's rare, they've been observed taking down rhinos and even elephants. 

STELLAAAAAAAA!

whenever you get scared about a tiger, bear, shark or any other animal munching down on you just remember that to them you look and smell like a giant hairless monkey - nowhere near what they usually eat. moreover, the soap and fragrances we wear make us smell like a bunch of nuclear flowers.  they are much more interested in our urine (which smells like an animal and more to the point contains salt - mmmm) and, if you eat meat, your food. raw meats, jerky, and smoked fish smell awesome to animals. thankfully, me and eliot are both veggies and super flatulent to boot. that's nature's tiger repellent. 

Faster, Tiger, KILL KILL

on to much more interesting tiger facts: tigers live on their own, and are expected to create and maintain their own territory from the time they are 18 months old on. their fathers will leave as soon as they are born, so they're raised entirely by their mothers. they basically spend their lives cruising around and munching down on small and medium-sized game and staying out of areas that other tigers have sprayed. tigers can tell male from female sprays, and should a male wander into a female's territory (or vis versa) they will typically get it on.  the exception is if the female is already preggo. then the male tiger's like "i don't need no drama" and he gets a jäger and peaces.

above all, the largest enemy to tigers is humans. ugh ... once again messing up what is inherently awesome in the universe.  get this: the number one killer of tigers? CRACK-POT MEDICINE. in addition to the famous tiger-wang powder that is supposed to make a dude rip-snorted sexual tyrannosaurus (i tried - it doesn't), their teeth, organs and pelts are prized for magical purposes. you can find a really disgusting list of things here if you're into that kind of thing.  

look, i love (LOVE) black magic, supernatural powers and mysticism more than just about anything. but one thing i DO love more than all those things is kittens. and tigers are basically big kittens. with knives in their faces. so please, please: stop killing the giant kitties, won't you?  

taking their penises isn't going to make you feel any better about your penis. 

please. stop stealing tiger wang. 

Spotlight On: The Infamous Auto-Rickshaw

If you've ever been to any South Asian city, no doubt you've seen (or ridden inside) an AUTO RICKSHAW, or Tut-Tut. These little buggers make up a considerable amount of the mobility in most Indian cities, as they are essentially tiny taxis that ferry citizens from here to there with the greatest of ease. They have three wheels attached to a scooter engine and the body of a Tilt-A-Whirl cabin - awesome! They seat about 3 people + the driver (though you can often see whole families or a gaggle of school children stuffed inside the cabin, with a couple of daring souls hanging on to the side as they deftly navigate the "treacherous" streets of the city.

Though most traffic patterns in India would seem like a royal cluster-muck to the Western eye, locals of India refer to it with pride as a representation of the "orchestrated chaos" that defines the way the country works. From government to markets to travel to whatever, the country seems like it is constantly on the brink of self-destruction, but really everyone is working with a little bit of give and take to make it through. And, in the end, everything works out OK. Snakes be damned, Drew and I hope that the idea of this ordered chaos will carry us through, as well. Please no snakes. Oh God.

On the Rickshaw front, a Dutch company called Enviu is pushing for a movement to make hybrid Tut-Tuts, to battle the intense amount of junk these little buzzers puff out into the air. This company, whose other accolades include creating a dance floor that generates energy when people boogie on it called sustainable dance club (genius), is looking to reduce Rickshaw emissions and get drivers paid a bit more, as they typically make about 3-4$ US per day. Working with experts in Hyderabad and Bangalore, they've deduced that if they convert a million rickshaws, they can reduce the pollution of those zingers 40-60%, and boost the income of the drivers by about 30%. They're hoping this incentive program will catch on soon and be a mutual boon for both the company and the rickshaw operators themselves, not to mention the AIR (cough, cough). Meanwhile, some cities such as New Delhi have converted their autos to Clean Natural Gas, which Drew and I unfortunately produce at an alarming rate.

Stay tuned in the coming months, and you may witness video of this Daring Duo Dubiously Defying Death whilst Driving Down Delhi's Dangerous Downtown DDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.....Streets!!! Shazam!

going number 2

i'm not going to beat around the bush: toilets in india are different than toilets in america:

the basic idea is the same. you, um, just put pull the train into the station, you know? but whereas we like to sit enthroned, comfortable and relaxed atop the porcelain seat, indian dudes and babes just squat down and let 'er rip. there's always a tap with a bucket which, as one set of instructions informs us, one is to "forcefully empty in the direction of your bottom." 

we're packing toilet paper. and hand sanitizer. 

EXHIBIT B - actually pretty cozy looking. Gross Factor: 1/5 Encharitos or a Whoopi Goldberg film

our basic perceptions of indian toilets are based on whatever google image search can turn up, the few indian movies featuring the pot, and this one story our buddy seth told us about this time in thailand where four dudes just came into the bathroom while he was popping a squat and stared at him while he finished his business. personally, i think they were taking bets. those thai dudes will bet on anything. 

EXHIBIT C - Gross Factor: 4/5 Encharitos or Pizza the Hut

On the other hand, it's possible (nay, probable) that we're just spoiled. i mean, putting your butt where other people's butts have been is pretty gnarly. this is actually a really sanitary way to make boom-booms. the only part of you that comes in contact with anything is your feet, which are hopefully in shoes and pretty dirty to start with. the water makes good sense and keeps you smelly-free. i mean, yes, using your hand grosses me out but then again i come from the west where we put paper on our toilet seats, paper in our bums and paper dries our hand. is it cleaner? arguably. is it more wasteful? almost certainly. plus, most toilets india are probably totally awesome: 

EXHIBIT D - Gross Factor: 0/5 - I would be honored to "numero dos" down there.  

we'll let you know what we make of all this when we get to india. i don't know what it says about us, but we get really excited about stuff like this. cultural differences i mean, not scat. 

eeeewwww. sorry for this one, readers. 

Mumbai my honey

So just after we dash through Dubai on the way over to India, our first official Indian stop will be the Megatropolis of MUMBAI (formerly Bombay). A gigantic city on the mid-west coast of India, this town is known for being a huge tourist destination, being the home of Bollywood and home to the Gate of India. The Gate is the port at which British ships used to dock on their long voyages overseas to visit (and eventually rule) India. Past the Gate is the enormous Taj Mahal hotel, the Fort district and Colaba districts, both excellent areas for touring.

The Fort area used to house Fort St. George, which is long gone, and now the area features many government buildings and administrative offices. This is one of the oldest parts of the city, and is juxtaposed with one of the newest parts of Mumbai, Nariman Point, which features those massive skyscrapers and apartment buildings that you saw in Slumdog Millionaire.

Colaba is a popular tourist area mixed in with the Fort, featuring the Colaba causeway, a row of shopping and dining reminiscent of old colonial Bombay. The National Gallery of Modern Art, a Paris colony and the Prince of Wales museum, no wonder it's known as the Culture Square of Mumbai.

We'll be spending a couple days on the front end and the back end of the trip in this gi-normous city, and will certainly be reporting our findings here - so stay tuned, dear readers - for more, of !ncredible !ndiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalalalallaalalalallaallaalalaaa....

Gandhi Anniversary & Posthumous Criticism

This Saturday will be the anniversary of the death of Mohandas Gandhi, the well-respected liberator of India from the British occupation and the endorser of a method of non-violent protest. The man is a legend in India, with most major cities featuring a statue of Gandhi. However, like most human beings, he held views that contradicted his overall ethos of equality and peace.

In this Guardian OP/Ed article by Michael Connellan, Gandhi is criticized for his rather archaic views towards women's rights and gender relations, some of which are faulted for setting India back significantly in regards to gender equality and social progress. Here's an excerpt from the article:

"Mohandas Gandhi, whose death anniversary falls on Saturday, was an amazing human being. He led his country to freedom and helped destroy the British Empire. Little wonder India worshipped him, and still worships him, as the Mahatma – "Great Soul". In the west he is viewed as a near-perfect combination of compassion, bravery and wisdom.

But Gandhi was also a puritan and a misogynist who helped ensure that India remains one of the most sexually repressed nations on earth – and, by and large, a dreadful place to be born female. George Orwell, in his 1949 essay Reflections on Gandhi, said that "saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent". If only.

Gandhi despised his own sexual desires, and despised sex in any context except for procreation. He preached that the failure to control carnal urges led to complaints including constipation. He believed that sex was bad for the health of an individual, and that sexual freedom would lead Indians to failure as a people. He sought to consign his nation to what Martin Luther called "the hell of celibacy". He took his own celibacy vow unilaterally, without consulting his wife.

Both Gandhi and his hagiographers claimed he viewed women as equal to men, pointing to his inclusion of women in India's independence struggle. He celebrated non-violent protest as a "feminine" principle, neutralising the masculine brutality of British rule. But his sexual hang-ups caused him to carry monstrously sexist views. His view of the female body was warped. As accounted by Rita Banerji, in her book Sex and Power, "he believed menstruation was a manifestation of the distortion of a woman's soul by her sexuality".

During Gandhi's time as a dissident in South Africa, he discovered a male youth had been harassing two of his female followers. Gandhi responded by personally cutting the girls' hair off, to ensure the "sinner's eye" was "sterilised". Gandhi boasted of the incident in his writings, pushing the message to all Indians that women should carry responsibility for sexual attacks upon them. Such a legacy still lingers. In the summer of 2009, colleges in north India reacted to a spate of sexual harassment cases by banning women from wearing jeans, as western-style dress was too "provocative" for the males on campus."

At the end of the day, you question how much someone is a product of their environment/upbringing, and how in turn they come to form their points of view as an adult. Gandhi was clearly a complicated human being, with his own set of hypocrisies and self-contradictions, and you can't separate his great social triumphs from the legacy of gender oppression his memory has impressed on Indian society up to this day.

But then, perhaps it is the responsibility of every Indian to cull the good from the bad, hence the annual celebration of his good works. I dunno - nobody's perfect, I guess, and I imagine you just need to regard everyone as a human being, with faults and flaws,despite the tendency to treat respected figures as saints or saviors. Not sanctioning his views, but perhaps respectfully celebrating the good while not forgetting the bad.

OK, just got a little too heavy for this blog - MASHED POTATOES!

Food of India, part V: The Mystery of Chicken 65

you may or may not know this, but both eliot and i are vegetarians and have been for quite a while.  but today i want to focus on a mysterious meat-centered dish known the world over as CHICKEN 65.  here's what we know about chicken 65:

1. i was introduced to it via the little indian buffet down the highway from where i work.  all meat-eaters rave about.  i snuck a bite. it's pretty great. 
2. visiting pakistani and indian workers to a large hosting company here in town not only were shocked to find it, they  were elated, claiming it's one of their favorite dishes back home. 
3. no one knows where the name comes from. 

it sort of resembles spicy chicken wings in that it's bright orange (at least where i've seen it) and fried, often deep friend. it's bright, it's spicy and it's delicious. but what in the blazes does the 65 refer to? to the Google!

i have to say, i'm disappointed in the internet. the wiki article writes that no one knows where the name comes from.  it offers some explanations.  searching around a bit, it seems that the year it was created in a hotel called Buhari in Channais / Madras is a popular story and at least has some claim considering the other "annual" dishes they serve.  like everything else in india, there seem to be about 1000 angles and answers for this question. frankly, india seems a country content with ambiguity and happy with what they have. it seems like every time i try to track down some bit of indian minutiae, i end up with a whole bunch more questions.

i leave it to you, dear readers. what DOES the 65 in chicken 65 refer to? 

Food of India, part IV: beer!

today we're going to tackle the two most popular beers in india: Kingfisher and Haywards 5000, both of which are lagers (meaning, among other things that they bottom-ferment as opposed to "real" ales which top ferment.)

Haywards distinguishes itself as the world's largest selling strong beer, reportedly selling 14 million cases worldwide on average. most reviewers claim that it is strong and assertive but not pungent or unpleasant.  it seems to have a pretty popular following (mostly among folks who had it once and are trying to track it down again, if the forums are any indication).  since the term lager can cover a lot of beer (and in my estimation popular lagers like pilsners are generally tasteless) i imagine that Haywards is probably a middle-of-the-road drinking kinda beer. on the other hand, as the can indicates, it is "SUPER STRONG." i've never had one so i'll leave it here with Haywards 5000's official slug line: 

"Launched in 1983, Hayward's 5000 lager is synonymous with strong beer in India. It's an authentic, premium Indian lager that hails as India's most preferred and popular beer. The bold character and lingering flavor of this Indian classic derives from a careful blend of select hops and malts in a brewing process that exemplifies timeless Indian traditions. Exclusively brewed and bottled in India under SABMiller supervision, this Crown Jewel of Indian beers is now enjoyed worldwide!"

Now Kingfisher you've probably heard of if you spend any amount of time in bars. Take it away, Kingfisher Breweries Marketing Department: 

"Kingfisher Premium Lager is a conventionally fermented beer, with a perfect balance of flavor congenors. It is brewed to the highest international standards, from the finest quality malted barley and hops.

Kingfisher Premium Lager has won numerous international awards for its excellence & exceptional quality.

Kingfisher Premium Lager is available in over 55 countries. In England, Kingfisher Premium is the lager of choice at the over 7000 Indian restaurants. It is also available at stores such as Sainsbury's & Safeway. In the US, Kingfisher is the largest selling lager in Indian restaurants nation-wide!

Kingfisher Premium Lager enhances the taste sensation of many foods - From the savory spiciness of Indian cuisine, to the wholesome taste of steaks, burgers, hot dogs, pizza & pasta!"

Again, i'm generally unimpressed with light beers. But India is no different than the rest of the world and folks prefer what's Cheap and available. Heck, I wouldn't fault a man for drinking (the nigh-tasteless) Lone Star Beer.

As soon as we have boots on the ground in india, we'll let you know how these beers measure up in their native land.  it somehow doesn't seem right to review indian beer in america. until then, please enjoy more efforts from the good folks trying to sell you Kingfisher (OOOhh LA-la-la-La Le-Ley-OOOOOO!) and Haywards 5000 (Dude!).

Yeah, you tell 'em Sanjay. Pansies.

Food of India, part III: naan

naan is actually a generic term although you will hear people say "i love naan bread." this is pretty much the equivalent of saying "i like bread" which, while perhaps true, is a little vague.  naan just means flat bread (often JUST "bread"), usually leavened with yeast. and, yes, the typically variety you get in an indian or middle eastern restaurant is delicious. i can't fault you there.

in the north of india, heavily influenced by greek and arabian culture, you'll find naan is the staple, and the back-bone of every meal (conversely, in the humid south, rice is king).  naan comes in a bunch of forms - from buttered breakfast varieties, to sugar sweets. roti is a "pocketed" variety of naan, sometimes called india pita.

it's common throughout asia to eat with one's hands (always the right!) and bread and rice act as utensils.  don't believe me? let's take a trip down to the india buffet around the corner: you'll see old and young alike grab a pinch of rice or naan, drop it into the daal and pick the whole shooting-match up to munch on. before you freak out about the nastiness of eating with one's hands, i highly suggest you go take a peak at the kitchen staff at your favorite restaurant. think every single one of those forks and spoons is getting a sanitized scrubbing? think again. at least with your hands you're in control of how clean they are.

i'm not sure what else to say about naan so i'll just drop a link here to a much greater authority on the subject of making naan, Manjula. looooooove that accent.

Food of India, part II: saag paneer

saag paneer (also called Palek Paneer) is a super tasty dish that indians enjoy on a daily basis. i enjoy it when i make the drive down to bombay hall for lunch. either way, it's delicious to the max.


saag is usually made with spinach or mustard greens, and it's basically just wilted and then cream is added. paneer is the name of a simple cheese (usually homemade) that goes in the dish. actually, i was up at the grocery last night and saw paneer in the cheese section so, there you go. not so exotic.


like most of what westerners think of as "indian" cuisine, saag paneer is punjabi. see, when pakistan was united in 1947, all the conservative muslims went thataway, which drove alot of ethnic hindus down into the country from the Punjab region.  at least, that's the story i heard from the nice indian lady on splendid table who went on and on about how awesome mangoes were (see previous post!). punjab cuisine became all the rage and as more immigrants left india for the west, that's the cuisine they brought with them. pretty much all the indian food you've had, chances are, has been punjabi.


here is a video on how to make this dish. you know it's a good recipe when every ingredient is "to taste" and the cooks eye-ball everything.

Food of India, pt. 1

i have officially declared it food week here on the blog, meaning that in addition to our usually, nonsensical posts, you're going to be learning about the cuisine of india.

when your talking about food in india, you have to start with the mango. the mango is national fruit of india  and there are hundreds of varieties available in india. due to some bizarre ban on fruit from india, the united states couldn't import them, so we mostly had the boring ol' standard mango. however, in 2007 the ban was lifted so if you look around you may find a few crazy varieties. expect them to be expensive and not-as-fresh as mangoes grown more locally.

mangoes in india are like apples in the states, only like a hundred-times bigger deal.  India is the largest producer of mangoes in the world, by far. but india represents less than one percent of the global trade in mangos since the consume nearly all the mangoes produced. these are serious, mango-eating people.

in the traditional folk medicine of india, Ayurveda, mangoes are used to restore and maintain balance in the body.  they are made into chutneys and pickled, but they're also eaten raw with salt or a little chili.  much like our friends in mexico, indians are obsessed with matching sweet to spicy. pahna is a cool drink made from mango juice enjoyed in the peak of the hot season, and a mango-yogurt smoothie called lassi is super popular as well. a freshly squeezed mango-juice from a street vendor will run you about 20 rupees (about 43¢).  march to may is the best time to get mangoes across the country, since that's when the bulk of the fruit ripens (just prior to the monsoon season).  lucky for us, we arrive february 25 and leave may 28 - during a lull in tourism and at the very peak of the mango-buying season meaning prices will be low and the fruit fresh, plump and delicious.


among indians, the consensus is that the alphonso mango (also called Hapoos) is king. named for Afonso de Albuquerque, it's grown mostly in Karnataka and Maharastra.  It's apparently amazing on it's own, and makes the best smoothies and candies. it's also really expensive, and can run you about 50 rupees ($1.08). it was described by one reporter as "knockout sweet, sorbet-smooth and very wet." the juicier the better when it comes to mangoes, as lapping up the overspill is de rigueur. 

sikhism

today i want to write about the fifth largest religion in the world, sikhism.  while there are 23 million adherents to this faith, and you see them all the time, most people don't even know they exist, let alone what they espouse to believe.  it's important to take a minute and identify these guys because:

1. they are a large, influential faith in the world

2. they are totally awesome

i'll get to that second point in a bit, but first let's lay down the basics.  sikhs follow the teachings of ten gurus who lived from 1469-1708.  the one you really need to know is Guru Nanak Dev - he got the whole thing rolling and the whole religion is really based on his teachings. the other nine gurus are each considered to have his spirit though (like the flame of one candle lighting the next) so as they added to and expanded his teachings they became canon. this is not unlike the star wars novelizations by timothy zahn, which many fans consider to carry on the tonality, scope and adventure of the original franchise. but i digress.

the most basic tenant is that there is one God and it is timeless, boundless, sightless, completely powerful and, insofar as we can understand it, the whole of the universe.  "God is everywhere for the awakened mind" is one way the Sikh's think about this.  a fundamental idea is that God can never be fully know but _aspects_ of God are knowable. those aspects include the knowledge that God wants us to Share with Each Other, Have an Optimistic View, Protect Weak and Innocent Creatures (especially humans), and Vigorously Participate in Giving Charity.  pretty standard monotheistic stuff, but these guys take it a step further.

they believe in reincarnation, but not in any kind of heaven or hell.  one sikh i spoke to in college put it this way: "heaven is the joy on the face of a child, and the happiness that can live in the human heart.  hell is the pain we inflict upon each other, the wars we wage and the destruction we cause." they do however believe that with proper, intense meditation, a man can overcome the illusion of the world (maya - a term borrowed from hinduism) and come to conquer the Five Really Bad Hang Ups:  ego, anger, greed, attachment and lust. When this is done, one can become enlightened, get to know those knowable bits of God and break the cycle of rebirth by joining with God in perfect union.

their base of operations is this enormous temple called Harmandir Sahib - colloquially referred to as the Golden Temple. it is a seriously impressive structure and one i would love to see when we visit india. unfortunately it's really close to pakistan so it's probably a no-go. nevertheless, it is a giant palace made of gold where Sikh's regularly gather to read some scripture, shoot the breeze and sip some garam chai (more on this another time).

the Sikhs had their own Empire for a while, standing in opposition to the Moghul Empire (1556-1707). they were amazing warriors and brilliant scholars.  the Sikh empire is still recognized as being one of the most tolerant and pluralistic, with Muslims, Hindus, Christians and Jews being allowed to move and worship freely as well as hold high office. when the Raj finally beat them, he outlawed their martial arts, Shaster Vidiya, but it's stayed alive. the last remaining master of the "Science of Arms" keeps a school in England where he passes on the training.  and just like every completely awesome warrior band from the numerous fantasy paperbacks that liter my bookshelf, there is an elite unit with a sweet name - The Akali Nihangs - the blue turbaned elite fighter force of the Sikh Empire. 

SOOOOOOOOO AWESOME. 

each baptized sikh comes with kung-fu grip and five action-accessories: kes (growing your hair into an awesome heavy-metal mane of manliness), kangha (a sweet comb to maintain said dudely locks), kara (an iron bracelet), kirpan (a KNIFE) and kaccha (super underwear).  seriously though, each of these serves a special purpose:

1. kes - a sikh is not allowed to cut their hair.  this includes shaving their beards (but they can trim them, see below). they wear large turbans wrapped up around their heads to keep all their hair in when they're out and about (also, they look rather stylish --> boom Boom BooM BOOM). the reason for doing this is that it is considered unnatural to cut hair - if God wanted it short, he wouldn't make it grow.  thus not cutting one's hair is an act of submission to God's will (and handsome to boot - just ask my girlfriend)  more importantly, though, it identifies a Sikh to all the world. As Guru Singh wrote "..How can he hide himself with hair and turban on his head and with a flowing beard?" 
2. kangha - the comb reminds the Sikh to be hygienic, disciplined and for goodness sake to wash behind one's ears. this is both a practical implement to facilitate kes, and a token of one's obedience to staying positive and healthy, keeps the turban in place (yes, really) and, just like my seltsen blue lightly medicated shampoo and condition, "keeps hair healthy, clean, shining and tangle-free."
3. kara - the iron braclet is to remind a Sikh to use his or her hands for good stuff and not for bad. that's pretty much it, actually. it reminds the sikh to be helpful, kind and giving. 
4. kirpan - believe it or not, the knife is worn to further the sikh idea of non-violence. each sikh is commanded to carry the blade at all times (making airline flying difficult for them) in order to defend the helpless and weak, fight injustice and to prevent violence.  Sikhs were awesome warriors but they truly believed that if you were strong, smart and skillful, you would only use violence to stop violence. they really buy this too - sikhs have traditionally been pretty non-violent dudes.  from day one their religion opposed the cast system and they had little love of british oppression, extremist violence and any kind of war. 
5. kaccha - alright, i make fun but this is pretty cool, too. like the kara reminds the sikh of the responsibility in his hands,  the kaccha reminds a Sikh to use his (cough, cough / wink, wink) for noble purposes. it's like a big post-it note that sikhs wear so that when they see it they pause and ask themselves, "is what i'm about to do with what's in there going to be glorifying to my God, honorable to my family and just plain decent?" 

if beard-growing, turban-wearing, holy underoo-sporting Jedi from india aren't cool to you, then you probably aren't very cool yourself.  as the icing on the already well-iced cake that is Sikhism, they get this awesome insignia which incidentally looks alot like the Klingon insignia from star trek:

rat surfing

in a follow up to yesterday's post about Ganesh(a), i thought i'd include this little story about the elephant-deity himself.

Kartikay was Ganesh's brother.  He has his own amazingly psychedelic story - for example when he was born, six different goddesses were so enamored by him that each wanted to nurse him.  In response, Kartikay grew six heads.  Naturally. He was also the scientist of the Gods (similar in some ways Hephestus), a brilliant general, and a slayer of demons.  While Kartikay embodies all the ideas of science, reason, and pure logic, Ganesh symbolizes spiritualism and wisdom.  It's no coincidence that they both sprang from Shiva - the model of asceticism, introspection and withdrawl from the world.

Getting back to the story: one day Kartikay and Ganesh decide they're going to race around the whole universe 'cause, you know, why not?  Kartikay, full of reason and purpose mounts up his magic peacock and starts the race. Meanwhile, Ganesha walks in a circle around Shiva and Parvati, declaring that the whole universe is really just these two.  Everyone applauds and Ganesh wins.

Now, the real question is: why did Ganesh win?

check out Kartikay cruising around on his serpent-eatin' peacock rocket in the background there!

jana gana mo-mana, fee-fi-fo-fana, maaaa-naaa!

this is the indian national anthem, which is called Jana Gana Mana. while most westerners will stifle a laugh (hey, i had to) it's a totally important song - duh.

here is a more-or-less official estimation of the song into english:

Thou art the ruler of the minds of all people,
Dispenser of India's destiny.
Thy name rouses the hearts of Punjab, Sind,
Gujarat and Maratha,
Of the Dravida and Orissa and Bengal;
It echoes in the hills of the Vindhyas and Himalayas,
mingles in the music of Jamuna and Ganges and is
chanted by the waves of the Indian Sea.
They pray for thy blessings and sing thy praise.
The saving of all people waits in thy hand,
Thou dispenser of India's destiny.
Victory, victory, victory to thee.

alright, now get this: you know how india has 820 million hindus who all have different gods, 12 million muslims and a whole slew of christians, jains, sikhs, jews and other religions? The "Thou" and "thee" referenced up above? NOBODY CAN AGREE WHO IT'S REFERENCING. pretty cool right?

India is alot like America - tolerant, opression-fightin', religious-freedom lovin' former british colonist that we are.   Just like how our national anthem doesn't mention any particular god (or even the word "god" - unless you get to the fourth verse that no one sings, anyway), no one seems to know who this guy (or gal) is who is the "ruler of the minds of all people."  it's an open ended question that everyone can participate in.

kind-of an amazing metaphor for the whole country.

sticks and stones

you've probably seen / made fun of this guy:

that's Ganesh and, point of fact, a super-important deity in hinduism.  hinduism's gods are amazing both in number and depth of meaning.  you know how christians have that the big guy and his kid and a ghost that want you to be nice to each other and help the poor?  Hindus have like 3 million more, including this guy who is fat and has an elephant's head. But i'm getting ahead of myself.

for now what you need to know is that there are alot of stories as to how ol pachyderm-head got that way.  the most widespread one is that Parvati (the embodiment of feminine Shaki - man this is going to get complicated. Look, for now just think of Shakti like the Force from Star Wars, okay?) got it on with Shiva (lord of destruction - not necessarily a bad thing) and the offspring was Ganesh.  Later on, Parvati self-immolated out of shame because her dad, Daksha, did not approve of her marriage.  Shiva got bummed out and lost interest in worldly matters (and took up drinking) (not really) (maybe?).

Anyway, one day Ganesh came between Mom and Pop and Shiva lopped his noodle off. It's up to interpretation but there is an implication of Oedipal son-lovin' going on here.  In another version, Parvati keeps Ganesh secret from Shiva so he doesn't recognize him and think he's a would-be usurper to Parvati's love - reverse Oedipal style! Anyway, Shiva feels bad about killing his kid so he brings him back to life (MAGIC!) and then replaces his head with that of an elephant because "that's all he could find." I find it hard to believe that a guy who can bring people back from the dead and destroy the whole universe can't find a human head for his own kid but, you know, whatever. In other stories it's Vishnu, the four-handed blue-skinned god of preservation who finds the elephant head.

In a totally different version, Shiva laughed so hard that Ganesh came flying out of his belly.  Shiva thought he was too pretty looking so he gave him a big belly and an elephant head to spite him.  Shiva is a jerk, apparently.

In what is undoubtably the BEST version of the story, Parvati is showing off her baby to the other gods and Saturn accidentally looks at him with HIS LASER BLASTING EYES and blows up his head. I am not making this up.

Anyway, so then Ganesh had an Elephant head, which is SUPPOSED to look silly.  This is really important.  See, Ganesh is seen as the friend of businessmen (and travellers!) because he is "The Remover of Obstacles." He's also the "Lord of Beginnings" and people envoke his name at the beginning of everything from long trips to religious ceremonies. He starts things off and makes sure things go smoothly, in other words.

Why? Well, much like the western popularized "Elephant Man", Ganesh got dealt a crummy hand - smoked by his own dad and made into a freak of nature (or blown up by some random dude's laser vision, take your pick).  Originally his name meant "one tusk" because his other one got broken off.  So from the start, Ganesh has been an ugly, fat, broken dude. But Ganesh kept it cool and went on with life because he's got a good outlook.

Incidentally, most of the Gods in Hinduism come with a  mount (or "vehicle" - just like M.A.S.K.! ), and usually (like in other mythologies) this is their faithful companion and helper. There are awesome dogs, tigers, even birds and dragons. Ganesh? He has a rat.  Rats are thieves, scavengers and disease-carrying little hairballs, right? Yup, just like elephant-headed gods can't possible be taken seriously. See, in Hinduism everyone has vighna or an impediment they need to get over. Ganesh has an elephant head.  Rat-Dude has a bad rep. Deep down, their both just who they are, greater than their reputations and just working through their karma, regardless of what people say or think. 

See, Ganesh is all about getting over and around things. Somebody blows your head off, don't sweat it.  Trouble at work with your boss? Keep it cool, baby.  Blow a tire on a poorly-maintained Indian road? Time to put a spare on and keep trucking.  Trying to find enlightenment (or reach salvation)  by reading stuffy old books, falling on your knees and staring at your navel?

Check out the goofy elephant-headed god; maybe you're taking things too seriously.

film review: Khabi Kushi Khabie Gham

FINALLY.

Lots of dancing, wacky outfits, incomprehensible family drama, and an ever-present bobbling of heads. THIS is what i expected from bollywood. call me shallow, but i'm glad i finally found a flick that exemplifies indian cliches.  not to mention an all-star cast including, among others, Amitabh Bachchan. You may know him as the dude that kid in slumdog millionare swam in poo to get to. He is the biggest actor in the history of indian cinema, a totally educated dude and has that stylish two-tone hair / goatee thing going on.

you have to see some of this dance numbers for yourself (apologies for the german subtitles) not only do they take place in elaborate sets with hundreds of extras, they last for like 10 minutes a piece. seriously - the big number at the dad's birthday was like five chapters on the DVD. on top of all that, you've got the gorgeous Kajol (aka Kajol Devgan) who unfortunately is married. however, her husband does look like clive owen after being run over by a truck full of tanning lotion so who knows, maybe it's a wash. indian audiences, according to everything i've read, love a long movie and this one clocks in at 211 minutes with 130% of that being music and dancing. you heard me

the title, Khabi Kushi Khabie Gham can be interpreted a number of different ways. Kushi apparently means, more or less, "happy" while Gham means "sad." Wiki and other sources have the title as "Sometimes happy, Sometimes sad."  The subtitles of the DVD i watched translated it (rather poetically) as "Through Time and Tears." I'll take the middle road - "Though Happiness, Through Sadness."  Sort of a great title, considering the film is about the love and respect a parent has for their child, and the service and reverence a child shows for their parents.

before you run off to another, better written blog, do yourself a favor and watch this additional clip from the film. the really good stuff gets going at 1:19 with expert, break-neck head wobbling. expect me and eliot to dancing in several videos exactly like this.

Hindus ... In ... Spaaaaaaaace!

proponents of the ancient astronaut theory (AAT) believe extra-terrestrials (or xeno-terrestrials if you prefer) visited earth a long time ago and basically got our civilization going.  they range from dudes who think it's "possible" to guys like David Icke, who thinks the queen of england is a reptilian space monster from beyond the stars sent to control us (YES REALLY). these guys point to some particular passages in the Vedas (Hindu holy scriptures) that describe Vimanas - flying contraptions that carry the gods (and sometimes humans) around.

pretty cool stuff. apparently, according to the Vedas anyway, Hindu gods made these contraptions and flew around in them "shooting lightning" at each other. not only does this make for laser-shooting crazy-lookin' space gods, (which is the coolest religion *I've* ever heard of), it also sounds a whole lot like, um,  this. 

truly, Truly, TRULY outrageous. *

* it occurs to me that we slip alot of these little jokes in the blog and don't always explain them. you might have noticed a number of blogs are marked with the tag "truly, truly, truly outrageous." to get this, you will want to watch this.   DREW IS MY NAME / NO ONE ELSE IS THE SAAAAAAAAAME!