spicy safari, episode 4

EPISODE 4 - Knife-Faced Cats

OR

Another way to die in India

WARNING - LOTS OF AWESOME TIGER VIDEOS! 

And so we come to the national animal of India - the Bengal Royal Tiger. The bengal is probably the tiger you've seen if you've been to the zoo - not as big as the siberian tiger, but the most numerous. and even though there's only about 2100 of the guys in the world, somewhere between 1300-1500 live in India.  Tigers are amazingly powerful, have enormous claws and eat up to 60lbs of meat in a single meal. Also they are purely carnivorous! We're Doomed! AGAIN! 

no but seriously, tigers are fiercely territorial and stay spread out.  like every other animal on this list, rapid encroachment has forced tigers out of their typically habitat meaning tigers and humans sometimes bump shoulders.  even though they'd much prefer to be left alone,  they don't like eating humans (they'd much rather eat their cattle - and even that it's anywhere near their top choice).  when pressed and hungry, tigers have been known to eat old, sick and wounded humans (check, check and check - we should be fine). such a tiger is called a MANEATER and will continue to eat humans. tigers have also been known to eat wolves, jackals (not, unfortunately "jackyls"), bears (<-- great music on that one) and even crocodiles as food and even though it's rare, they've been observed taking down rhinos and even elephants. 

STELLAAAAAAAA!

whenever you get scared about a tiger, bear, shark or any other animal munching down on you just remember that to them you look and smell like a giant hairless monkey - nowhere near what they usually eat. moreover, the soap and fragrances we wear make us smell like a bunch of nuclear flowers.  they are much more interested in our urine (which smells like an animal and more to the point contains salt - mmmm) and, if you eat meat, your food. raw meats, jerky, and smoked fish smell awesome to animals. thankfully, me and eliot are both veggies and super flatulent to boot. that's nature's tiger repellent. 

Faster, Tiger, KILL KILL

on to much more interesting tiger facts: tigers live on their own, and are expected to create and maintain their own territory from the time they are 18 months old on. their fathers will leave as soon as they are born, so they're raised entirely by their mothers. they basically spend their lives cruising around and munching down on small and medium-sized game and staying out of areas that other tigers have sprayed. tigers can tell male from female sprays, and should a male wander into a female's territory (or vis versa) they will typically get it on.  the exception is if the female is already preggo. then the male tiger's like "i don't need no drama" and he gets a jäger and peaces.

above all, the largest enemy to tigers is humans. ugh ... once again messing up what is inherently awesome in the universe.  get this: the number one killer of tigers? CRACK-POT MEDICINE. in addition to the famous tiger-wang powder that is supposed to make a dude rip-snorted sexual tyrannosaurus (i tried - it doesn't), their teeth, organs and pelts are prized for magical purposes. you can find a really disgusting list of things here if you're into that kind of thing.  

look, i love (LOVE) black magic, supernatural powers and mysticism more than just about anything. but one thing i DO love more than all those things is kittens. and tigers are basically big kittens. with knives in their faces. so please, please: stop killing the giant kitties, won't you?  

taking their penises isn't going to make you feel any better about your penis. 

please. stop stealing tiger wang. 

spicy safari, episode 3

EPISODE 3 - Flying Foxes

OR

Night of the Guavampire! 

The greater short-nosed fruit bat goes by many names - Indian Fruit Bat, Old World Fruit Bat, Megabat and (my favorite) the Flying Fox.  It's the bane of the sky, raining down terror and mayhem and all those that would stand in it's path, ruthless in it's quest to sink it's sharp, slobbering fangs into their ... guava. Or bananas, they like those, too. There is a lesser (or minor) short-nosed fruit bat but who wants to hear about that?

o hai.

So who is this flying rodent-thing and what's his deal? Well, to begin with, the Indian Fruit Bat is just one of some 123 species of bat living in Asia, with most of those in India.  These bats make up one-fourth of the mammalian population of India and account for one tenth of the total bat population in the world. That's alot of guano, people! 

As with many other species, the indigenous people of india (especially farmers) are none too keen on the fruit bat since they (duh) eat alot of fruit. they are also carriers of japanese encephalitis, they make a lot of noise and they remind people of THE WAMPYR!  but environmentalist say their natural habitat is being encroached upon by the (cough) 1 BILLION PEOPLE living in India. In case you haven't noticed, this is kind of the story of animal life on earth.   okay, a warning: 

THE NEXT PART OF THIS POST IS RATED "M" FOR MATURE - THERE IS SEXUALLY EXPLICIT CONTENT UP AHEAD. IF YOU ARE A TOTAL PRUDE, DON'T READ PAST THIS SWEET BAT PICTURE:

you kept reading? oooooooooooo! 

An interesting note on Fruit Bat mating behavior: they are the only non-primate species known on earth to perform fallatio during intercourse. the female bat goes down on the male bat to "prolong copulation" and "insure insemination" - which is funny because it pretty much works the opposite way in humans (ZING!). what's more, the she performs this favor to the dude-bat WHILE he's got his um ... you know, batarang?  in her ... uh ... oh boy, this is akward. watch this video, it explains everything. 

sorry, mom. 

Checklist: √

Tickets to India - √

Visas - √

Travel Insurance - √ (mostly)

Bikes and Gear - √

Fear - √√√√√√√√√√!!!

Yep, a little shaky and nervous, but readyreadyready to rummmmmmmmbleeeee!

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!

IT BEGAN IN INDIA_A_A_A_A_A_A_A

HUGE news today, kids! visas were approved by travisa outsourcing meaning we are all-lights green for entry into the glorious country of India! beautiful landscape, friendly people and world's most amazing culture, here we come!

RWWAAARRGHHH! 

in celebration i invite you to visit this little site i put together. mute the video on the right, please.

spicy safari, episode 2

EPISODE 2 - Ears for Years

OR

the Grey Leg-Faced Man

There are two kinds of elephants in the world - the large, gas-guzzling, high-octane African variety and the sporty, efficient left-wing endorsed Asian type. Four exciting models of Asian elephant are available, but the one we want to focus on today is the Indian Elephant for obvious reasons. we're going to India, remember? It's why you come to this blog? Ugh ...

... ANYWAY: Indian elephants, like other Asian elephants, have smaller ears than their african brethren.  And while only 9% of sri lankan elephant males have tusks, a whopping 90% of indian elephant males can gore their opponents with their giant teeth. Yep, you heard right! Like walruses, elephant tusks are actually over-sized incisors.  You've probably heard that the tusks never stop growing: you heard right! Additionally they have a few large molars that they grind back and forth to much their grub. 

warning - PG-13! 

Indians have been domesticating the elephant for work, transportation and war for thousands of years. Mahouts are legendary elephant trainers who will raise a calf until he or she is ready to be an awesome partner in life-adventures. the Mahout and his elephant companion are common characters in indian folklore and a popular attraction in contemporary communities.  likewise, many temples keep an elephant around, typically painted up and given special treatment. one hindu myth says that the gods stirred up the oceans looking for a potion that would make them immortal (remember, Gods die too in Hiduism!) and instead nine precious jewels surfaced. one of these was the elephant.  in accordance with this myth, elephants are revered as sacred, holy animals - sometimes even prayed to. 

sweet tats, bro

Worried about getting trampled? Don't. The way humans kill elephants, you're more likely to witness an elephant poaching than be squished by one. The WWF (not the WWF) says that Elephant populations (particularly in asia) are dwindling but recent conservation efforts have seen them rise to the status of "dwindling but not endangered." 

personally, i think we should ditch the bikes in india and hook up with some mahouts. DREW & ELIOT'S HEAVY METAL ELEPHANT WORLD TOUR - COMING 2011!! 

Spotlight On: The Infamous Auto-Rickshaw

If you've ever been to any South Asian city, no doubt you've seen (or ridden inside) an AUTO RICKSHAW, or Tut-Tut. These little buggers make up a considerable amount of the mobility in most Indian cities, as they are essentially tiny taxis that ferry citizens from here to there with the greatest of ease. They have three wheels attached to a scooter engine and the body of a Tilt-A-Whirl cabin - awesome! They seat about 3 people + the driver (though you can often see whole families or a gaggle of school children stuffed inside the cabin, with a couple of daring souls hanging on to the side as they deftly navigate the "treacherous" streets of the city.

Though most traffic patterns in India would seem like a royal cluster-muck to the Western eye, locals of India refer to it with pride as a representation of the "orchestrated chaos" that defines the way the country works. From government to markets to travel to whatever, the country seems like it is constantly on the brink of self-destruction, but really everyone is working with a little bit of give and take to make it through. And, in the end, everything works out OK. Snakes be damned, Drew and I hope that the idea of this ordered chaos will carry us through, as well. Please no snakes. Oh God.

On the Rickshaw front, a Dutch company called Enviu is pushing for a movement to make hybrid Tut-Tuts, to battle the intense amount of junk these little buzzers puff out into the air. This company, whose other accolades include creating a dance floor that generates energy when people boogie on it called sustainable dance club (genius), is looking to reduce Rickshaw emissions and get drivers paid a bit more, as they typically make about 3-4$ US per day. Working with experts in Hyderabad and Bangalore, they've deduced that if they convert a million rickshaws, they can reduce the pollution of those zingers 40-60%, and boost the income of the drivers by about 30%. They're hoping this incentive program will catch on soon and be a mutual boon for both the company and the rickshaw operators themselves, not to mention the AIR (cough, cough). Meanwhile, some cities such as New Delhi have converted their autos to Clean Natural Gas, which Drew and I unfortunately produce at an alarming rate.

Stay tuned in the coming months, and you may witness video of this Daring Duo Dubiously Defying Death whilst Driving Down Delhi's Dangerous Downtown DDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.....Streets!!! Shazam!

spicy safari, episode 1

EPISODE 1 - Snakes on a Sub-Continent

OR

Coma closer, where I can see you!

As Salaam & Namaste, viewers and welcome to the Spicy Safari Zamboni A Go-Go! Our first installment on the flora & fauna of india will examine the deadly snakes of the Indian sub-continent. In addition to elephants, vampire bats and crazy bugs, there are an at least 270 species of snakes in india with 60 of these being VENOMOUS! Species in india include the asp, the king cobra and many other snakes appearing in the India Jones franchise. 

Let's start with the King - the KING COBRA that is! The longest venomous snake in the world (reaching up to 18 feet in length!), the king cobra is not, in fact, a true cobra, belonging instead to it's own genus.  King Cobra venom is actually less venomous than common cobra venom and they have smaller fangs.  the king cobra makes up for this by pumping it's victims full of venom - up to 7ml, enough to KILL AN ELEPHANT! Crap! 

WHY AM I TAKING THIS TRIP?!

The common cobra, while much smaller is a very common sight in southern india - double crap! it's responsible for a "high number of fatal bites" and, like other cobras, is an excellent swimmer and climber.  their venom is a powerful nuerotoxin which attacks the nervous system: it stops your heart, paralyzes your body and puts you into a coma before you die about 30 minutes later. WE'RE DOOMED! 

Kraits are another snake that is common, deadly and OH MY GOD WHY AM I TAKING THIS TRIP?? Their bites are even better than most because they have no initial symptoms - until your lungs stop working! not only are they super deadly, they're nocturnal, love human habitations and are regularly confused with the harmless wolf snake. Jerks! 

In addition to neurotoxins which paralyze and attack the nervous system, some snakes use hemotoxins that attack blood causing the bite area to die off, turn into gangrene and get super-duper gross before falling off entirely. excuse me while i curl up into a ball to cry and cry and cry for a little while ... 

NEW PANTS HERE, PLEASE! 

Finally, the Indian rock python - one of the world's largest snakes -  kills by constricting, like the boa.  additionally, both the boa and the python are the only two snakes not to completely lose their little legs.  they continue to have "spurs" - tiny little nubbins they use to scoot along. cool? NO YOU FOOL, THAT'S TERRIFYING! 

Snakes have great eye-sight but are generally very near-sighted.  Many, like vipers, can "see" your heat with their tongues and the tiny Jacobson (or Slow Painful Death) gland. snakes typically like to chow down on little rodents and eggs. they don't want to kill humans for food because we're basically giant monkeys to them and that's gross. still, if you step on one, go poking on with a stick or accidentally sit near one it might become threatened and bite you. most bites come on the extremities since that's probably what you were dumb enough put near the snake, but bites on the haunches and flanks happen too. 

Just like eliot & drew, if you are planning on traveling to india or any other place in the world with horrible death serpents hell-bent on destroying you're body through trickery, lightning strikes and a mind of pure evil, please take a snake bite kit. 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRAAGGHHHHHH!