eliot & drew bike through india for 3 months, trying to inconspicuously do some good in the world.


Thursday, February 4, 2010

spicy safari, episode 4

EPISODE 4 - Knife-Faced Cats
Another way to die in India


And so we come to the national animal of India - the Bengal Royal Tiger. The bengal is probably the tiger you've seen if you've been to the zoo - not as big as the siberian tiger, but the most numerous. and even though there's only about 2100 of the guys in the world, somewhere between 1300-1500 live in India.  Tigers are amazingly powerful, have enormous claws and eat up to 60lbs of meat in a single meal. Also they are purely carnivorous! We're Doomed! AGAIN! 

no but seriously, tigers are fiercely territorial and stay spread out.  like every other animal on this list, rapid encroachment has forced tigers out of their typically habitat meaning tigers and humans sometimes bump shoulders.  even though they'd much prefer to be left alone,  they don't like eating humans (they'd much rather eat their cattle - and even that it's anywhere near their top choice).  when pressed and hungry, tigers have been known to eat old, sick and wounded humans (check, check and check - we should be fine). such a tiger is called a MANEATER and will continue to eat humans. tigers have also been known to eat wolves, jackals (not, unfortunately "jackyls"), bears (<-- great music on that one) and even crocodiles as food and even though it's rare, they've been observed taking down rhinos and even elephants. 


whenever you get scared about a tiger, bear, shark or any other animal munching down on you just remember that to them you look and smell like a giant hairless monkey - nowhere near what they usually eat. moreover, the soap and fragrances we wear make us smell like a bunch of nuclear flowers.  they are much more interested in our urine (which smells like an animal and more to the point contains salt - mmmm) and, if you eat meat, your food. raw meats, jerky, and smoked fish smell awesome to animals. thankfully, me and eliot are both veggies and super flatulent to boot. that's nature's tiger repellent. 

Faster, Tiger, KILL KILL

on to much more interesting tiger facts: tigers live on their own, and are expected to create and maintain their own territory from the time they are 18 months old on. their fathers will leave as soon as they are born, so they're raised entirely by their mothers. they basically spend their lives cruising around and munching down on small and medium-sized game and staying out of areas that other tigers have sprayed. tigers can tell male from female sprays, and should a male wander into a female's territory (or vis versa) they will typically get it on.  the exception is if the female is already preggo. then the male tiger's like "i don't need no drama" and he gets a jäger and peaces.

above all, the largest enemy to tigers is humans. ugh ... once again messing up what is inherently awesome in the universe.  get this: the number one killer of tigers? CRACK-POT MEDICINE. in addition to the famous tiger-wang powder that is supposed to make a dude rip-snorted sexual tyrannosaurus (i tried - it doesn't), their teeth, organs and pelts are prized for magical purposes. you can find a really disgusting list of things here if you're into that kind of thing.  

look, i love (LOVE) black magic, supernatural powers and mysticism more than just about anything. but one thing i DO love more than all those things is kittens. and tigers are basically big kittens. with knives in their faces. so please, please: stop killing the giant kitties, won't you?  

taking their penises isn't going to make you feel any better about your penis. 

please. stop stealing tiger wang. 

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